Dear Self – work work work

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We worked our buns off today … well no, buns actually remain intact since the work was all sit and no move, more pictures for the company website.

I do have to figure out at some point if there is a better way to maintain consistency with photos – light, distance, focus, angle so that I don’t have to do the whole batch over again when a new item needs to be added.

Seriously it took me the better part of the day to get 10 pictures shot, edited and added to the website.  Next person that says this is an easy job is gonna get clunked.

So, what about this depression?

Well… it seems to be improving, in miniature increments – Maybe we are up to a 5?  Maybe not yet.. maybe the first day of the rating was really a 2 because while I am not as bad as I was the first day, I am still very far from ‘happy’.

Ok, so what have I been doing?

Hanging out by myself, focus on doing things that have to be done… photographs, passport application, de-icing the front of the house.

I’ve also been trying to toss a little organization in, trying to make some of the future look easier.

Diet… opened up an account at fatsecret.com to try to monitor….  we’ll see how that goes.

Meditate – that’s what I’m going to add in next.

Today I’m grateful for ….

1. Salt.  We would have never gotten through that ice without salt.

2. Skills – those extra skills that give me the opportunity to make extra money

3. Being alive to moan and groan about my problems.

Today is a 4.. yep.. still a 4 (I’ll add that I’m grateful that I am still a 4 and not a 3)

Dear Self – Yesterday was a 3 (was private)

Dear Self, Late last night we decided to take the Red Pill… or was it the Blue Pill?? I’m not really sure. If the Red Pill helps you embrace painful reality and work through it and the Blue Pill lets you continue to live in ignorant bliss…. what is an anti-depressant?  Let’s go with its a Red Pill … and lets say there was no Blue Pill Option. Yesterday was a THREE. The scale is 0 – 10 with ZERO being suicidal and TEN being Bliss.  Each notch is HUGE so while 3 sounds really REALLY bad… in the grand scheme of things it’s not that bad – being an optimist, I see it as being 7 away from Bliss rather than 3 away from Dead.  Well.. maybe I’m the only one that sees that as a good thing. So the new thing is that I’m going to journal/blog every day – yeah, I know, I’ve said that before… So for now, one is private – another public. In the journal/blog I’m going to rate the day – Today is a 4.. I was going to call it a 5 but then I remembered that each notch is so HUGE that this couldn’t really be THAT much better than the three of yesterday… not THAT much closer to Bliss.  So it’s a 4 And Three things I’m grateful for… 1.  My big kid that tells me when he appreciates something I’ve done. 2. My work in that it’s flexible and comfortable but also challenging enough to give me a sense of accomplishment doing it. 3. My appetite has not gone crazy today – no need to pig out.. no starvation. Time to go take the Red Pill.

Dear Self – We Aren’t Doing So Good (was private)

Dear Self, Life is not feeling so very good right now.  In fact, it’s down right shitty. I suspect that I’m in the midst of a pretty hefty bout of depression, nothing like I’ve really had before.. the sadness is kind of overtaking me. It’s times like these, although they are rare, that I notice that while I have very good friends, some of whom I can confide some things to, there really is no one that knows everything…. and probably no one that has the full impact of any one thing.. I hold back. Yep.  That’s what I do – “why” is a question for another day because today I don’t have it in me to try to examine what exactly that is but it’s what brings me to this new category on my blog… maybe I need a shrink.  Maybe I need to take the medication.  Maybe I need to just keep moving. I don’t know. I don’t want to take the medication because I just started feeling stuff again.  Well, not today, but a few months ago.. the feelings came back and I don’t want them to go away again.  The doc says the medication wont do that but I’m not convinced. Happy isn’t a destination – it’s the journey.  So where the hell is it? I can’t even come up with anything coherent to write here.  I had imagined that I would open this up.. start to type and all the stuff that I can’t .. don’t… won’t share with anyone would pour out on to the page and I would feel better.  Or at least I would see a light… that the act of writing it down would push the deadening sorrow out of me and make room for something brighter. Seriously.  My space is not all that dark.  I still have moments of light.  Laughter, even still singing to some of my best music.. no, it’s not that dark but has it stopped?  Have I plateaued in this horrid place or could it get worse. I don’t think I can take worse.  I think this is as bad as it can be and still function.  I think that if I got sadder, that I would lose the laughter and the song. So.. what are the things that are sinking me? in no particular order… hair, weight, energy, money, ex husband, too many decisions, conflicts…. the feeling of being in limbo. I think I could possibly really need a shrink right now.  What would I say?  Ok… enough of that… there has been too much of me thinking about what someone would think if they read this… I have given out this website to a few people so of course, as I’m writing I’m thinking oh… don’t say that, M…  will not like that or D…  will want to call me or or or… so I’ve made this private.  No one is going to see this post so no one cares about the writing or the wording or the vanity or any of the other stuff… That’s why I don’t tell people stuff? I’m worried about what they will think.. .and there is nothing that anyone can do to solve the problem anyway! I am broker than I’ve been in years.. actually had to consider getting to work and borrowing money when I got there to enable me to put gas in the car to get home.  The only thing that saved me from that was that I found $150 available in the line of credit and took $80 of it. Scott is driving me to distraction.  He is such a fucking idiot.  Really… oh that does feel good to say ‘out loud’ … no one to quote me, disapprove of me, argue with me or even agree with me. It’s one of those sad situations that I can only take so much of people putting him down but I also want to rant now and again.. but I don’t want to be ‘that’ person but really… he is so freaking dense some times.. ok, this isn’t really making me feel better either. I really would always rather be in bed.  Alone, sleeping.  I just want to wake up and there is nothing hard. Omg… again with the hard!  I think that’s exactly what it is.  I have been feeling that resentment for a while.. the so tired of everything being hard… and I think for a while I coasted.  I ignored the things that were ‘hard’ like money and ending this marriage – he left and I just went on and didn’t think about the stuff that had to be taken care of .. I just pretended it didn’t exist and now everything has caught up with me and ‘hard’ came back with a vengeance and clobbered me! yep. I figured it out I think. Enough for now… a little blog post (public) and a good nights’ sleep and maybe.. just maybe… i’ll come up with a plan of attack that will be a rung on the ladder.. to climb up on!

Dear Self – I’ve Discovered

Dear Self, We are in the middle of a gut wrenching, life force sucking depression right now… what rhymes with ‘sucking’ (a nod to my man Robin Thicke – “Blurred Lines”.. lol) So truly, it’s not that far gone when I can still take a stab at being funny. But it’s pretty bad…. it’s either pulling the covers over my head .. not wanting to get out of bed… or can hardly wait to get in to bed… almost time for medication…. can still function but would really rather not even bother. So … Dear Self went to private mode for the real blog entry because there is just stuff in my head that I can’t – won’t or just don’t – share… even when there is really no one reading because… someone might. But, Dear Self… we may have figured it out in the word vomit of the private entry… This is where we discovered the potential danger of living in denial. We wanted life to be easier – so we just started to ignore the hard stuff. Note to self…. ignoring it doesn’t really make it go away… it just piles up until you can’t close the door anymore and then you are buried in crap. So… armed with what seems like the root of all evil I am aiming for a good nights’ sleep and perhaps some new perspective tomorrow. “At the end of the day, tell yourself gently: “I love you.  You did the best you could today, and even if you didn’t accomplish all that you had planned, I love you anyway.”  (Francois) credit

Dear Self – Meh

Well Self… another day whittled away neither up nor down for the most part … a reminder of some money woes but thankfully I didn’t get stuck in the mud over it.

Grateful for:

1. An old wig to make a new hair patch and my ‘give it a whirl’ attitude – worked out great!

2. Friends that invite me to go with them on Trips… Going to Washington in March!

3. WD TV Play – may have to cut out cable all together!

Today was a 4 (no private blog)

Giant Gulp of Sea Water

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I’m am of the belief that the best way to get through life is to ride the waves. The ride is much more enjoyable that way…. you can get into the rhythm of life, roll with it.

When you fight the tides you become exhausted, and soon, with all your energy expended on the fight, there is nothing left and it’s easy to become discouraged, angry, and frustrated.

I myself think this is a pretty sound philosophy, and one I try to live by, but sometimes, even being in possession of a sound philosophy, I still go off track and find myself with a mouthful of sea water.

The sea water of late tastes very much like self pity. Sometimes it feels like the world has shifted on it’s axis, leaving me dangling … like in a movie where a ship is sinking and the passengers cling to the side of the rails rather than give in and fall to the water. That’s my mental image… of course, in my mental image it isn’t certain death in the depths of the ocean but something unknown and unfamiliar… uncomfortable and I’m trying to cling to the best parts of my life, like the rail, but it’s futile. Yep, I’ve been going around feeling damned sorry for myself.

A little of that, I believe, is OK now and again. It’s the darkness that lets us appreciate the light and I think it’s OK to spend a little time wallowing in that darkness before rising up and cursing it one last time before finding a new wave to ride. The trick is not to wallow so long and end up drowning.

As the Buddhists believe (in my extraordinarily limited understanding), we suffer due to the attachments we hold. We become attached to all kinds of things, from material possessions to people to situations (this is where I am right now).

Because the ‘things’ we become attached to are non permanent, there is no choice but to eventually lose that thing. So, we are on an endless circle of chasing attachments, believing that once we have enough of them, we will be happy… ‘them’ can be cars or friends, dollars or clothes, money or love, or or or….

The key is to give up attachments, to understand that all things are transient and as long as I continue to chase things that are not permanent, I will continue to find suffering…. don’t cling… roll with it!

If the happiness is within me, then there is no need to seek comfort from the outside, the world can continue to change as it will – and it will have no effect on my inner peace.

My friend says: Have you considered a period of monastic living? My response: Yes, but it’s not very practical.

I guess I’ll have to get there the slow way.

Stuck In Goo

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Stuck in goo.

Goo is relative.  In a good place you might like the goo and be happy about being stuck in it.  It could be sweet and scented like your favorite memory, it could be warm and comforting.

It is not that kind of goo.

This is the goo that when you step in it you curse the critter that left it in your path and the responsible human that should not have left it behind.  This is the kind of goo that has a foul odor that gets in the crevices of your sensibilities and rocks your thought process – interrupting it like the sound a small mouse makes late at night in your rafters.

You knock on the walls, softly, so as not to disturb the slumber of the others – and for a moment it stops and you have peace.. for a moment is all.

I have begun to focus on what the lesson is – besides to watch where you are stepping for certainly there must be a grander design in all this, Karma can’t possibly be bothered with the trivial pursuit of poor organizational skills.

I hope.

So for that reason I keep searching because all this goo would be worth it… if for a good lesson.

Living Is The Destination

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“The journey has to feel the way you want the destination to feel”

Wow. The most prominent thought in my head over the past few months, when I take the time to reflect, has been that “I’m tired of being a fighter”. Yes, it’s a line from a song but it struck me. I determined that I wanted my life to be more flowing to feel like I was riding with the waves rather than swimming against the current and today, with this Danielle LaPorte status update and the previous article I just read on regrets of the dying … the pieces are starting to align into a pattern that makes sense.

But seriously, how many times does one need to be clunked over the head with that little piece of information that “LIVING IS THE DESTINATION”… we aren’t going to “get there” we ARE there! ohhh… time to rewrite the future!

On Optimism

On days like today… weeks like this week… I totally get the attraction of being pessimistic. Being eternally optimistic means that I always expect the best of people, the best outcome, the happiest scenario and when my expectations are met I fly high. The brick wall when people and events disappoint me is harsh and cold and the drop from the sky … brutal. However… I think I will choose to remain an optimist. I can’t fathom always expecting the worst, even if it means there are no brick walls. I also think to be a successful optimist you have to have a healthy realist living in you…. with a generous dose of “it’s possible”