Dear Self – work work work

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We worked our buns off today … well no, buns actually remain intact since the work was all sit and no move, more pictures for the company website.

I do have to figure out at some point if there is a better way to maintain consistency with photos – light, distance, focus, angle so that I don’t have to do the whole batch over again when a new item needs to be added.

Seriously it took me the better part of the day to get 10 pictures shot, edited and added to the website.  Next person that says this is an easy job is gonna get clunked.

So, what about this depression?

Well… it seems to be improving, in miniature increments – Maybe we are up to a 5?  Maybe not yet.. maybe the first day of the rating was really a 2 because while I am not as bad as I was the first day, I am still very far from ‘happy’.

Ok, so what have I been doing?

Hanging out by myself, focus on doing things that have to be done… photographs, passport application, de-icing the front of the house.

I’ve also been trying to toss a little organization in, trying to make some of the future look easier.

Diet… opened up an account at fatsecret.com to try to monitor….  we’ll see how that goes.

Meditate – that’s what I’m going to add in next.

Today I’m grateful for ….

1. Salt.  We would have never gotten through that ice without salt.

2. Skills – those extra skills that give me the opportunity to make extra money

3. Being alive to moan and groan about my problems.

Today is a 4.. yep.. still a 4 (I’ll add that I’m grateful that I am still a 4 and not a 3)

Dear Self – Yesterday was a 3 (was private)

Dear Self, Late last night we decided to take the Red Pill… or was it the Blue Pill?? I’m not really sure. If the Red Pill helps you embrace painful reality and work through it and the Blue Pill lets you continue to live in ignorant bliss…. what is an anti-depressant?  Let’s go with its a Red Pill … and lets say there was no Blue Pill Option. Yesterday was a THREE. The scale is 0 – 10 with ZERO being suicidal and TEN being Bliss.  Each notch is HUGE so while 3 sounds really REALLY bad… in the grand scheme of things it’s not that bad – being an optimist, I see it as being 7 away from Bliss rather than 3 away from Dead.  Well.. maybe I’m the only one that sees that as a good thing. So the new thing is that I’m going to journal/blog every day – yeah, I know, I’ve said that before… So for now, one is private – another public. In the journal/blog I’m going to rate the day – Today is a 4.. I was going to call it a 5 but then I remembered that each notch is so HUGE that this couldn’t really be THAT much better than the three of yesterday… not THAT much closer to Bliss.  So it’s a 4 And Three things I’m grateful for… 1.  My big kid that tells me when he appreciates something I’ve done. 2. My work in that it’s flexible and comfortable but also challenging enough to give me a sense of accomplishment doing it. 3. My appetite has not gone crazy today – no need to pig out.. no starvation. Time to go take the Red Pill.

Dear Self – We Aren’t Doing So Good (was private)

Dear Self, Life is not feeling so very good right now.  In fact, it’s down right shitty. I suspect that I’m in the midst of a pretty hefty bout of depression, nothing like I’ve really had before.. the sadness is kind of overtaking me. It’s times like these, although they are rare, that I notice that while I have very good friends, some of whom I can confide some things to, there really is no one that knows everything…. and probably no one that has the full impact of any one thing.. I hold back. Yep.  That’s what I do – “why” is a question for another day because today I don’t have it in me to try to examine what exactly that is but it’s what brings me to this new category on my blog… maybe I need a shrink.  Maybe I need to take the medication.  Maybe I need to just keep moving. I don’t know. I don’t want to take the medication because I just started feeling stuff again.  Well, not today, but a few months ago.. the feelings came back and I don’t want them to go away again.  The doc says the medication wont do that but I’m not convinced. Happy isn’t a destination – it’s the journey.  So where the hell is it? I can’t even come up with anything coherent to write here.  I had imagined that I would open this up.. start to type and all the stuff that I can’t .. don’t… won’t share with anyone would pour out on to the page and I would feel better.  Or at least I would see a light… that the act of writing it down would push the deadening sorrow out of me and make room for something brighter. Seriously.  My space is not all that dark.  I still have moments of light.  Laughter, even still singing to some of my best music.. no, it’s not that dark but has it stopped?  Have I plateaued in this horrid place or could it get worse. I don’t think I can take worse.  I think this is as bad as it can be and still function.  I think that if I got sadder, that I would lose the laughter and the song. So.. what are the things that are sinking me? in no particular order… hair, weight, energy, money, ex husband, too many decisions, conflicts…. the feeling of being in limbo. I think I could possibly really need a shrink right now.  What would I say?  Ok… enough of that… there has been too much of me thinking about what someone would think if they read this… I have given out this website to a few people so of course, as I’m writing I’m thinking oh… don’t say that, M…  will not like that or D…  will want to call me or or or… so I’ve made this private.  No one is going to see this post so no one cares about the writing or the wording or the vanity or any of the other stuff… That’s why I don’t tell people stuff? I’m worried about what they will think.. .and there is nothing that anyone can do to solve the problem anyway! I am broker than I’ve been in years.. actually had to consider getting to work and borrowing money when I got there to enable me to put gas in the car to get home.  The only thing that saved me from that was that I found $150 available in the line of credit and took $80 of it. Scott is driving me to distraction.  He is such a fucking idiot.  Really… oh that does feel good to say ‘out loud’ … no one to quote me, disapprove of me, argue with me or even agree with me. It’s one of those sad situations that I can only take so much of people putting him down but I also want to rant now and again.. but I don’t want to be ‘that’ person but really… he is so freaking dense some times.. ok, this isn’t really making me feel better either. I really would always rather be in bed.  Alone, sleeping.  I just want to wake up and there is nothing hard. Omg… again with the hard!  I think that’s exactly what it is.  I have been feeling that resentment for a while.. the so tired of everything being hard… and I think for a while I coasted.  I ignored the things that were ‘hard’ like money and ending this marriage – he left and I just went on and didn’t think about the stuff that had to be taken care of .. I just pretended it didn’t exist and now everything has caught up with me and ‘hard’ came back with a vengeance and clobbered me! yep. I figured it out I think. Enough for now… a little blog post (public) and a good nights’ sleep and maybe.. just maybe… i’ll come up with a plan of attack that will be a rung on the ladder.. to climb up on!

Dear Self – I’ve Discovered

Dear Self, We are in the middle of a gut wrenching, life force sucking depression right now… what rhymes with ‘sucking’ (a nod to my man Robin Thicke – “Blurred Lines”.. lol) So truly, it’s not that far gone when I can still take a stab at being funny. But it’s pretty bad…. it’s either pulling the covers over my head .. not wanting to get out of bed… or can hardly wait to get in to bed… almost time for medication…. can still function but would really rather not even bother. So … Dear Self went to private mode for the real blog entry because there is just stuff in my head that I can’t – won’t or just don’t – share… even when there is really no one reading because… someone might. But, Dear Self… we may have figured it out in the word vomit of the private entry… This is where we discovered the potential danger of living in denial. We wanted life to be easier – so we just started to ignore the hard stuff. Note to self…. ignoring it doesn’t really make it go away… it just piles up until you can’t close the door anymore and then you are buried in crap. So… armed with what seems like the root of all evil I am aiming for a good nights’ sleep and perhaps some new perspective tomorrow. “At the end of the day, tell yourself gently: “I love you.  You did the best you could today, and even if you didn’t accomplish all that you had planned, I love you anyway.”  (Francois) credit

Dear Self – Meh

Well Self… another day whittled away neither up nor down for the most part … a reminder of some money woes but thankfully I didn’t get stuck in the mud over it.

Grateful for:

1. An old wig to make a new hair patch and my ‘give it a whirl’ attitude – worked out great!

2. Friends that invite me to go with them on Trips… Going to Washington in March!

3. WD TV Play – may have to cut out cable all together!

Today was a 4 (no private blog)

Living Is The Destination

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“The journey has to feel the way you want the destination to feel”

Wow. The most prominent thought in my head over the past few months, when I take the time to reflect, has been that “I’m tired of being a fighter”. Yes, it’s a line from a song but it struck me. I determined that I wanted my life to be more flowing to feel like I was riding with the waves rather than swimming against the current and today, with this Danielle LaPorte status update and the previous article I just read on regrets of the dying … the pieces are starting to align into a pattern that makes sense.

But seriously, how many times does one need to be clunked over the head with that little piece of information that “LIVING IS THE DESTINATION”… we aren’t going to “get there” we ARE there! ohhh… time to rewrite the future!

On Optimism

On days like today… weeks like this week… I totally get the attraction of being pessimistic. Being eternally optimistic means that I always expect the best of people, the best outcome, the happiest scenario and when my expectations are met I fly high. The brick wall when people and events disappoint me is harsh and cold and the drop from the sky … brutal. However… I think I will choose to remain an optimist. I can’t fathom always expecting the worst, even if it means there are no brick walls. I also think to be a successful optimist you have to have a healthy realist living in you…. with a generous dose of “it’s possible”

4 Hour Body Diet – Day 4 Update

Well yesterday I posted all in a giant state of excitement because I had lost 3 lbs in 2 days on The 4 Hour Body – Slow Carb Diet.  Today I’m not so excited – I gained 1/2 of that back and was up to 178 this morning.

Now I have not lost hope because I didn’t do everything the same yesterday as I did the previous days and there is enough of that to make me wonder if I just stepped too far over the line… here’s what I did (or didn’t do);

  • Lunch, or as I prefer to call it, the second meal… I ate at a restaurant and did not have any beans.  I thought this would be ok, and perhaps it might have been – or maybe it was but it’s not the only thing I did.
  • Lunch – I also had some creamy dressing on my salad with chicken.  In hind sight, I should have asked for oil and vinegar which is acceptable but I didn’t think of that or I could have at least asked for the dressing on the side which I usually do but apparently I wasn’t thinking.
  • Exercise – I have been, for the last 6 days, trying to implement a new strategy for adding new habits to my life.  I’m calling it the 5 minutes a day for 5 days positive change plan (a little lengthy – if it works I’ll work on a catchier name).  So for 5 days I have spent 5 minutes a day on my elliptical machine, on the 6th day I did that and added another thing I wanted to turn into a habit but yesterday, day 7, I totally forgot and missed doing both things but importantly to this, the 5 minutes on the elliptical.
  • 4th Meal – The last 2 days I have not felt any desire to eat the 4th meal so in the name of honoring my system I did not eat it.  Yesterday I was hungry at 4th meal time so I ate.  Albeit it was a small meal, probably 1/2 the regular portion size but none the less, I had not done that the other days.
  • 1st MealI’m adding this as an after thought – I’m not sure if this is an issue or not and if it is, it will be one for today as well…. You are supposed to eat within a half an hour of waking – maybe an hour but definitely not longer than that.  Day one and two I did that – but yesterday I did not have to go into the office and wasn’t feeling well so I wanted to indulge in some extra shut-eye time and stayed in bed. The problem is – I woke up earlier and while I didn’t actually ‘get up’ I was awake and even my extra shut-eye was a little forced and not actually “sleep” but more like cat napping – so – not really sure about this but it’s an extra variable to consider.

The returned 1.5 lbs could have been because of the missed bean portion at lunch or even because of the salad dressing or the missed exercise  – I don’t know but I think it’s possible that the fourth meal or the combination of all those things brought it on.

So, in that vein, I have decided to postpone my ‘binge day’ until tomorrow.  I want to find out if I messed up or if it turns out that this diet is a bust after all.  I certainly was not comfortable with the idea of a free for all day while not being confident that the diet was going to deliver as promised.

So far today I’m still having the same experience of not being hungry until it’s time to eat again but I have been more cautious of portions – sticking to 1/2 c of beans for meals one and two but I think I will have a more liberal portion for dinner if I want it in an effort to avoid meal 4 again.

I will continue to post progress – or lack there of.

Alone

Ok, well, I’m seldom alone but this as of right now I’m about to spend the third consecutive night alone in our king sized bed.

This is not the first time in 25 years that I’ve been on my own with the kids by any stretch of the imagination.  My husband has been going off on his solitary vacations periodically for a few years now but it’s usually a week – maybe even two weeks.  This is the first time that I’m looking out into the horizon and not really being able to wrap my head around how long this vacation actually is.

Looking outside at the snow and thinking that in 3 months it will be April.  Last April it was running around a balmy 15°c outside – the grass was greening, jackets were being discarded – spring!

Unfortunately, and I’m thinking this might just be some kind of cosmic tom foolery, nothing has been going right since he left.

Truth be told though, the few days leading up to my husband’s departure were not great at work – tackling a giant project that was stressful and time consuming probably wasn’t the best timing but that’s life right?  If I was actually single, I would still have to do my job, regardless of what else was going on in my life so fine…. the universe wants to play that way, I’ll play along.

So work has me running around and working extra hours (something I rarely have to do) and the kids chime in and add to the chaos.

The middle kid in particular presenting me with his unique brand of challenges.

It was suggested that he might be acting out because his Dad has gone off but honestly, so far it really isn’t that much different from his usual ‘ball of raging hormone puberty in progress’ self – I just decided this time I wasn’t going to play along.

New Year, new outlook and I don’t have time for him to play “if I irritate mom long enough she’ll stop asking me to do stuff”.

It’s all good though.  This is just normal life with normal stress and sometimes it’s easier to handle this kind of thing without having to deal with an uncooperative or uneven tempered peanut gallery offering his 2¢.  It’s kind of nice to make the decisions, take the action and move on without having to discuss it to death.

So far, still liking single – but hey, it’s still early… I could change my mind.