Wooden Match

It’s like those wooden matches.

They are awesome and scary all in the same brain space.

On one hand they are strong and sturdy, when you strike one, there is a bright light with sparks and and it fills all your senses at once, there are the sounds of the wood hitting against the igniting material, and that sizzle and whoosh as the sulphur lights into a magnificent ball of flame and spark… delicious.  You wait until it settles in to a flame.  It’s an experience in itself

Then it begins to consume the splinter of wood that made it possible.

Sometimes, if you aren’t careful, the sulphur can fly off and you are just left with a piece of wood and sometimes, the sulphur will find it’s way on to your skin.  It’s not like any other burn you’ve had because it continues to burn until it has consumed all the chemicals with a searing pain… very small… almost invisible but searing… and intense.

Shit.  That hurt.  Not a wounding for life kind of hurt.  but hurt is hurt.

Those paper matches sometimes don’t light, if there is a bit of damp or oldness to them, nothing you can do will conjure a flame… you can go through a lot of paper matches just trying to feel a little warmth.

Perhaps that little chip of sulphur on my skin was meant to remind me … if I just want to play with fire a little bit, stick with the paper matches….  paper matches are never delicious … that distinct scent is not as powerful and the flame is not as bright and damn, you don’t get a light every time but they are so much less intense.

I’m going wait and get some wooden matches when the intensity matches the intent.

Message For The Hardened

The hardness…. I don’t think it’s permanent.  At least not permanent that you can count on.  The walls can crumble at any point, without warning. poof.  dust.

And then you are there naked.  All those dormant feelings …. a mass of raw nerve endings cringing against a soft breeze because… after being protected so long… everything feels.

And it’s unfamiliar.

Is it pain?

Is it joy?

hard to tell…

it is relentless…. there is no break … there is no off switch… and definitely – no pause

I find myself playing with the piles of dust… shaping it into a blanket to pull up to my chin, and maybe … over my head.   but it just rains down around me.. covering but not sheltering, not hiding me – just making me want to wash it off.

I’m straddling the line… in the distance I can see the materials for a new wall.  To the other side… is it the sun shining?  a mirage perhaps… I hear the storm as well…

To be continued….

Pain – How I’ve Missed You

I’ve known my feelings were broken… nerve damage maybe…. damaged.

I hadn’t truly felt in so long…. it’s been so empty.

Last month I was given the experience of love, deep rooted mother child love, I got sobbing tears and fear and panic … the fear of loss.

Feeling the hot sting of tears alarmed me, then a part of me watched on while I experienced those feelings for the first time in forever – wrapping myself in them, simultaneously feeling excitement that they were there… my self… stood back so as to not overlap the pure love and loss feelings.

I have gone back and replayed those moments in my heart again and again… getting reacquainted with that flavor of heart pain and wondering if it was all going to come back to me… in a flood… or a series of drips… or.. no.

Today, rejection, dejection, ….  all those feelings that make you be harsh with your self … and then…
there….
that feeling that is left over when whatever you were feeling such immense joy was ripped from your soul –
-that emptiness that is left behind – grey and cold and damp.

I feel driven to write it as it is happening to me….  perhaps to prevent the possibility that I could forget .. again… the thoughts that have gone through my head… why?  why now?  why this way?  why the pain first?  why is there no real relief from this feeling… the quality of the pain is measured by the length and intensity…

…. but on the other hand – yeah…. on the other hand…..  it brings me hope that all of the feelings that have been gone will be reborn into me and that maybe I wont have to walk through fires to feel a small sensation of them.

Thank you S for being true to yourself – for taking care of yourself when that is what you needed –  not allowing bad feelings to water it down.

This was obviously orchestrated by a very talented entity – that you were unable to read my mind at that particular moment,  was most certainly crucial to maintain the joy – the joy wasn’t meant to be today.  But I don’t like what it has left behind.

Looking for hope.  It’s time for you to come back.  The callous’ are gone,  this seems too intense for a sunny day.

 

Breathe

Breathe… it will get better.  I am telling myself this.

I feel like the Arch Angel that was brought hurling to the earth as a human.. a feeling being .. it was in a movie … I remember it.. Gabriel was able to feel pain, physical and emotional for the first time… things we have all learned to cope with, to move on from as easily as we roll over in our sleep .

I have experienced this sensation.  I did say ouch.  while my brain chided me … get over it.

But how?  Surely it was denying the pain in the past that turned me into the person who left me here a few weeks ago.

It’s exhausting.

It is easier not to feel it at all.

What About the “Till Death Do You Part” Part

I was recently asked… “What happened to “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc.? Commitment doesn’t end just because things aren’t so rosy any more”.

For 25 years we have had a ‘creed’ I guess…. for lack of a better word – we agreed before we were married that neither of us would ever threaten the other that we would leave unless we meant it.  The bottom line is, if you say it, you’d better have your bags packed.

The intention was to never be one of those couples that is always leaving and then coming back and trial separations etc. because we felt that people give up on things too easily.

I still believe that people not only give up on things too easily, but that they rush into them to quickly to begin with.  All along I have looked at this marriage as a ‘until death do you part’ commitment and I know he has too.

However, “things aren’t so rosy any more” really doesn’t apply, at least it doesn’t right now.  We have had lots of ‘not rosy’ thisisn’t the hardest thing we have faced as a couple – ‘things’ are still pretty good.  No one is sick or dying, no one is broke, no one is having an affair – there is no crisis.  Well, me not being in love any more is a crisis but there is not event happening to make me feel that way.

Together we have faced infertility and unsuccessful treatments, adoption x 4 – one of them a failed adoption, illness and death of family members x 3, illness and death of parents x 2 (both mine), debilitating car accident, unemployment, financial crisis (many),  cancer and treatments (mine)… these are just the biggies.  So yeah, there have been times that life was not “rosy” and we faced those times together – in good times and in bad and all of that.

I am open (and would be happy) to finding a way to stay together – the only thing I ask is that we live in some semblance of peace.  We don’t have to be having a good ol’ time all the time but there can’t be hostility all the time either.

…. and I’m still hoping that it could happen – I just wish I knew how to make it happen.

However, I certainly am not doing him any favors either – staying married because ‘I promised’.  To honor the commitment without the feeling is, in my opinion, the epitome of betrayal.

In making a decision to stay because “I promised”, am I not robbing him of the potential of finding someone who is “in love” with him again?  He can’t truly be happy either, I am NOT that great of an actress!

However, My marriage is a very tiny part of the re-inventing myself plan.  My focus is on my mind body and soul, I am practicing meditation, exploring my spirituality, taking care of my health and trying to spend more time doing things I’m passionate about (and finding out what those things are) into my life.

I am currently working on the premise that if I work on my own self – I can become the person I want to be and if I am then at a place of peace with myself and achieve some level of inner happiness then I will be better able to handle things that make my hair stand on end now and even find a way to be happy ‘together’ again.

The Laws Of Attraction

“They” Say… They being the experts in the field of all that is ‘woo woo’ and ‘spiritual’ and ‘feel good’ and the way it should be in a perfect world – ‘they’ say that the things that you focus on are the things that you will attract to you.

In the movie, the book… ‘The Secret‘ the basic concept is that you should focus on the positive that you want more of in your life because what we focus on is what we get more of.  Ok.  I think maybe it works.

I have been focusing on my marriage – on not knowing if I would be happier separated or if that would just bring me to a new kind of miserable.

Today I put my husband on a plane for a 3 month “hiatus”.

Hiatus:  A pause or gap in a sequence, series, or process.

It’s not entirely clear if the hiatus is for him… or for me… or for both of us – but I’ll take it.

The thing is – if I take myself out of my own head, out of my own space and try to look at this scenario from an outside vantage point – it just seems weird.

Seriously, how many people willingly go or willingly send their spouse on vacation for 3 months?  It just doesn’t happen.  I can tell.

Our friends and family have reacted  – some laughed (thinking we were joking), some yelled at him (thinking it was his idea) – some looked at me and knew that this was all OK with me but you could still detect the ‘how the hell did she pull this off’ thought running through their minds.

I’m convinced it’s the law of attraction.  This is what I have been daydreaming about.  Somehow having a trial separation without the mess and the hurt and the drama.  It’s a win-win situation.

My husband suffers from back and neck pain – the cold Canadian winters bring him to his knees – he is too sore and tired to do much of anything – he complains about it constantly (justifiably) and it all adds even more stress to an already buckling relationship.

He typically tries to go away about 3 times during the winter – choosing the least expensive destination helps but it’s still expensive.

As he was scoping out his next 2 trips in the next 3 months I suddenly recalled that he had mentioned that some of his older retired friends spend months where he goes and get a better rate for it.  Quick basic math said he could go for 3 months for the same cost as going 2 weeks now and 2 weeks later.  I offered the suggestion, we talked, we thought and in an hour he will be on the plane.

The down side – yes there is one – even several but this one is not about me – it is that our youngest child is not very happy about it.  The others are older but this one is pretty young still.

We have made a plan that the kids and I will try to arrange a trip in about 6 weeks to visit, we will talk on the phone every week and there will be of course email and Facebook.

I am going to be very busy.  I still have to work.  I still have to drive 3 kids around to their various activities.  I still have all the other stuff that I have to do and want to do.  This will be a real trial.  Lets see how it goes but for now I am a happy person just getting this opportunity to try this on without having to commit.

Wading Through The Marriage Goo

I have waffled back and forth about my marriage so many times I’m not even sure which direction I’m moving in at any given time.

For snapshot in time sake, my marriage is not a disaster.  We have been married over 25 years but for whatever reasons, and the reasons are potentially many and varied, I am just not feeling ‘in love’ any more and while I am not exactly “unhappy”, I am not happy either.

I find myself daydreaming about being single.  Often.

On the other hand, (this is where the waffling comes in), I am not sure that leaving for ‘me’ to  be happy is very fair.  I wonder if I could bring myself back to interested, or better yet, back to ‘in love’ – for the sake of the children…

I think sometimes that as long as I do all the other things – make all the other changes – follow my passion, encourage happiness within myself (without concern for external conditions), be healthy,  encourage my spirituality out into the world, that this one area of my life might be ok to stay not quite so happy.  Or perhaps that being a better person in all the other aspects of my life would improve the way I interact with my husband.  But I sure would have to get better at this being “okay” because right now it’s not.  No.  It’s definitely not.

I no longer have tolerance for the faults my husband possesses.  Nothing has changed – he is the same man as he was when I married him but now I don’t like him so much – and when I don’t like him, I am not nice and that is not good.

I saw myself yesterday as a miserable witch.  Or even more accurately – Bitch.

I almost always believe I’m right – and I probably am, almost always and I do think that I at least try to choose my battles but I don`t always choose the best ones.  I think the Bitch only comes out when I think it’s important to be right.  It’s not that I thinknow that I am more often right than I was 10 years ago, it’s that I no longer have the patience and tolerance to ‘sway’ the argument or ‘encourage’ my husband on to my train of thought.  I just figuratively (of course) hit him over the head with it.

That isn’t right.

So yesterday after one such battle, I agreed to go to therapy.

A little dishonest about the purpose of therapy.

He asked me to go a few months ago.  He feels that I did not adequately deal with the breast cancer I was diagnosed with 3 years ago, or the death of my mother 2 years ago.  That’s possible… and maybe looking at those things will help me as well.  What I want out of therapy is for me to come to a solid answer to the question – “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”

You Can’t “un Know” Something

I am going to hell.  If there is a hell, and I’m not already in it – I am going there.  There is no doubt.  I am an awful human being.

I came to the sad but true realization today that there is nothing left in my marriage for me.  It is over and I have to make it over.  Hanging in there, even for the most honorable of reasons is not an option – it’s not an option that makes any sense nor is it kind or ‘doing the right thing’ or any of those things a person in the wrong relationship might convince themselves of.

I am not happy and I’m not making anyone else happy.  Pretending and going through the motions seemed like a reasonable idea at the time.  After all, I don’t really dislike him.  I certainly don’t hate him and I talked myself into believing that I could just go on like I’ve always gone on and that it would be “okay”.  It’s not even that good.

I can’t think of an appropriate metaphor to describe this but it’s like trying to un-know something… putting the information back into the universe and pretending that you never learned it or heard of it – you may wish you’d never known something but it can never happen.  I know now that I have to end my marriage and now I can’t pretend anymore and that… That piece is the thing that is doing me in.

Before, when it wasn’t clear, when there was still an if, there was still doubt, I could pretend.  And now I can’t so I am trying to make a plan – and that’s what I’m going to hell for.

I don’t think a person goes to hell for falling out of love with someone or more accurately, no longer being ‘in love’ but I do think it’s wrong to make a plan, to continue the charade of “everything is ok” while you work on the plan but the alternative is even more distasteful to me.

The alternative is blindsiding him because right now he thinks everything is “okay”., 6 weeks before Christmas ripping the kid’s world apart so they can associate Christmas with the time the family broke up… and then there’s the really selfish crap that will earn me some extra billows in the hot place to make sure it’s extra hot – this is the stuff like I’m not prepared yet, I have to get my ducks in a row and make sure that I’m going to be able to survive… In all fairness, when going over this in my head, I am also trying to make sure he is going to be fine too.  I know how much money we have and I know how much we earn and I want to ensure that we are both going to be able to “make it” so I’m rehearsing different scenarios to see how they work out in that regard.

So.. while I try to get my head wrapped around this, I’ve decided the fairest thing to do is to start letting bits of my thoughts seep out.

I did that tonight, just a little while ago.  He knew about my mood today but didn’t know what was causing it.  Only that I was not feeling happy.  A while ago he found out that I have been looking out at what the future looks like and it’s feeling pretty grey – like vultures circling a carcass and that  I really can’t face the next 10 – 15 – 20 years of not feeling like there is going to be any big joy.

What it really came down to is that for our whole relationship there has been one hurdle after another – there really has.  We went straight into our relationship trying to make a family, we fought to adopt, then we fought to adopt again and again, then it was raising the children, then a life altering car accident, a life threatening illness bringing us to the here and now. (I skipped a few minor hurdles in there but that’s the main stuff) so I flat out told him… asked him… what exactly are we going to be doing when the last kid leaves?  There is NOTHING THAT WE LIKE TO DO TOGETHER!

I think that was a pretty good indication that there is a problem.

I’m sure we will be talking until I turn blue over the next weeks but ideally, what I would love to end up with is an agreement.  An agreement that yes, we’ve grown in different directions and it’s time to call it a day.  There is no need for things to get messy.  We are both adults – we should be able to work something out that will make this an ‘elegant separation’ for everyone’s benefit.

Please… if there is a power out there – that is my wish.  I don’t really want to go to hell.