Crazy Busy

Things have just been crazy busy the last few days.  I have a kid that’s into a particular sport and it seems that it has been all time consuming for the last few months with everything coming to a pile up over this week.  It’s been the last three nights in a row and late too but even though we’ve got a few days break until the next round with him, there is just a lot going on in other aspects of life as well.  The point to all of this is that it’s been hard to find a moment of peace to focus on this blueprinting I’ve been doing. However I have managed to keep a few of my goals in check My to do list as of this post was as follows;

  1. Drink 5 bottles of water a day
  2. Only 1 cup of coffee a day
  3. Write down everything I put in my mouth
  4. Weigh myself every morning and write it down
  5. Use arm weights every morning
  6. Walk 10 minutes a day

I have tried to get the 5 bottles of water in a day but I am not there yet.  I am however drinking much more water than I was so it’s an improvement but not there yet. My goal to limit my coffee intake to 1 cup a day has been semi successful but in an equally satisfying lateral type goal. My reason for limiting the coffee intake is that I take a lot of cream in my coffee.  It is the cream that I was attempting to eliminate or reduce as a way to improve my chances of weight loss but I was finding the tea as a substitute (with milk) was not as convenient and just not what I wanted so, after reading some of Dean Dwyer’s make shift happen book about the paelio diet and drinking coffee black, and then remembering my mom always drank her coffee black I thought I’d give it another shot. I did try it and was not amused but then I tried it with a little sugar – not lots – less than a teaspoon and found that I quite liked it so – I am changing that goal to eliminating cream from my coffee and I will work on reducing the sugar.  I don’t like artificial sweetener so I’m not going that way either and I do think that bit of sugar is healthier for me than the 10% double cream or 18% in the coffee shop. Other than today (yet) I have written down everything I put in my mouth and my weight daily, I’ve also used the arm weights daily but I’m a little concerned about what’s happening to my chest muscles and the impact of that. I had a complete mastectomy and reconstruction after breast cancer and the feeling of the implants ‘under’ the muscle is a little odd, I find the muscles feel tight quite often and I had some illusion that the arm exercises might help stretch them a bit and make them less uncomfortable but so far the reverse has happened.  It might be that I just need to work them out a bit but if there is anyone out there reading that knows anything about this, I do accept advice.  With gratitude. I am also revising the 10 minute walk to some focused time on the elliptical machine in my front room.  Because of my sciatica I have to be a little cautious so I’m managing something like 5 or 6 minutes at a time but I think even that little bit is lifting my mood  so I will keep putting one foot in front of the other with this and set a goal to improve my time until I’m able to do 15 minutes a day plus the weights. All this is to help me create a visual on what works for me and what doesn’t.  Certainly the data isn’t in yet, it’s only been a few days but I think it will be interesting if I can figure out to rate mood and energy and motivation and corrilate that to food and excersise I could concieviably end up with a me care and maintenance manual.  hmmmm… I like that Idea.  If I write it down in a blog as my idea with a bit of a description and someone copies it they can be in trouble … no?  yes?  hmmm… readers might be a good thing before that becomes a concern.  So I’m seeing me work out  a formula to developing a blueprint, a story of how I did mine and a template for doing your own and then I could provide it to readers on the sight..a…. just a thought but I think it’s a good one and I am going to go and develop it.  I’m laying claim to “The Me Care and Maintenance Manual” or “_________ for dummies”  hehe.. maybe that wouldn’t be so good. Anyway, digression but as far as my list goes, I’m feeling positive. Where I’m not feeling so positive is my parenting issues but I think I’ll have to write about that tomorrow because I need a night to marinate in the issue to get my head level and really look at the issues we are facing with my puberty boy..  I took something Dean said about needing to sweat the small stuff and address issues before they get to be big issues.  Excellent perspective – I’m just feeling a little lost with how to go about this with this particular boy – and actually – all the kids because I’ve broken it down to one request I have for them around this and that is that I want them to treat each-other with decency and respect. Anyway, I am going to have to get this blog more reader friendly … for when I get readers but I might just ask Dean to read this part about the kids, in that he was a teacher before and this was his idea to see how I might make that kind of shift happen for them… maybe I’ll write that post first and then ask for an opinion.  Maybe he would even take the time to come, he does kind of seem like that kind of a guy.; So I’m off to modify my to do list and maybe add in a few long term goals. One final note for this post, just because it’s a bit of a biggie – my husband and I looked at a house today.  The fact that I am considering this as a potential good move and good choice for our family suggests that maybe I’m not really ready to give up on the marriage yet.  Maybe it needs to be kick started.  I think that’s a positive thought.

Connect The Dots

Ok, reading back to the last post from a couple of hours ago, things were pretty drivel-ish.  I’m not fond, nor prone to ‘drivel’ and so I had to spend some more time with me – thinking and perhaps even stomping down that inner gremlin.

I decided that since I subscribed to Andrea Owen’s daily email KickAss Life Coaching series that I would go ahead and be ‘coached’ here.  I’m not going to address each daily email here but the ones that feel pertinent to my ‘predicament’ –  I will.

What do you want? What do you really, really want?

  • I want to be healthy
  • I want to have many friends
  • I want to have opportunities to use my intellect outside of a work environment
  • I want to be able to be trusted
  • I want a level of excitement in my life – something to feel passionate about
  • I want to not have to work until I’m 65 – or, to be somehow earning money without feeling like I’m working.

In my Un-Lived life, the one that I see in my mind, I am living in the country, in a cottage perhaps, and I have a sense that I spend time doing ‘artist’ type things, writing, drawing, creating.  I’m calm and peaceful.

It’s like a snapshot though, It’s not a concrete plan or something to work towards because I don’t know what else it is.

You can’t tell about someone’s life from a picture – an image frozen in time… The next scene could be someone coming and starting a big argument or getting into a car and driving in traffic to an office or putting an open sign on a roadside stand or a dinosaur coming along and crushing the cottage or aliens beaming me up to the spaceship – see – my snapshot of my Un-Lived life is meaningless when it comes down to it.

Inner Gremlins? Perhaps.
Realism? Perhaps.

Let’s go back to Dean Dwyer and Making Shift Happen.

Pick something small, or not even small – but 1 thing to change and make that work before starting the next thing.

When I first heard that I thought wow – amazing insight.  Still is amazing insight.  He said that very often people get all gung ho about a new diet plan, lifestyle change, exercise plan  breaking a habit or whatever and they try to take on the world in a single leap (I am paraphrasing here) and end up failing because you just can’t change everything all at once.

That all made perfect sense to me when I heard it the first time, and when I paraphrased it the first and second and all the subsequent times I that I repeated it yet here I am, frustrated because things aren’t moving quickly enough – I haven’t changed enough…

Man – I’ve hardly ‘changed’ anything.  Mostly what I’ve done is talk about changing, think about changing and the things I have put on my list…. well, I haven’t failed, but not exactly a roaring success either.

So, what have I concluded from this little episode of verbal/mental diarrhoea?  Slow down.

This is not an overnight project.

Stick to the plan.  Start with being healthy.  Why?

Because when I become more healthy and fit, I will have more energy, feel better about myself and my outlook on life may change.  The mental fog I find myself in all too frequently may lift and I may be able to see that un-lived life a little more clearly – the direction may become more apparent and actually, when it comes down to it, in my un-lived life, I am healthier, fitter, stronger.

I feel better now.  I think I’ve connected some of the dots.

 

 

Wishy Washy

I’m very tired today and not feeling at all motivated to do anything let alone CHANGE MY LIFE.  sigh.

That happens to me.  I am struck by something, go at it full boar, and then it’s almost like I wear myself out.  I also think, in this particular case, I might just be a little scared.

I just had a pretty nice weekend with the husband and kids and some family and friends and I’m a little worn out after an active weekend and my ambition level is WAY DOWN and that seems to coincide with the motivation and I think… well, you know, that wasn’t so bad and the next thing I know I’m wondering why I was so hell bent on trying to change everything, turn my life upside-down for what?  For some fantasy of some life that I don’t even know if I can get to or not?  So I can make a whole bunch of other people feel miserable and betrayed?

Is that my inner gremlin talking to me now or common sense?

The problem is that I know – I know as sure as I sit here typing and thinking and giving myself a monumental migraine fretting over all of this that if I were to say forget it – there is nothing about this life that is so bad…. in a matter of days something would happen to make me remember in full techno colour what I was so worked up about a couple of days ago.

Sheesh.

I’m not even making any sense.

I believe that part of this wishy-washy-ness is in large part due to the fact that I really don’t have a plan and I really don’t know where I’m going.  Does one actually need to know where one is going in order to start heading in the direction?

The only thing that is really on my to-do list that is tangible is getting healthier.  It’s not like I’m obsessed with that but it does seem to be a good place to start anything.  Make sure you are in good enough health, and fit enough, to be able to make the journey you are planning on going on.  Sounds like good advice right?  I thought so.

I’m stalling.  And I’m scattered.  I need focus.  What a disaster.

Introduction

I was born in 1960. Somewhere between then and now I stepped on to a life path that, other than the occasional twist and wind, seems to have maintained a certain level of dull consistency. Over the years I have been married twice and divorced once, become a parent to three amazing children, and settled into a career that once seemed like my purpose but now seems like drudgery. Don’t get me wrong, my current life has served me well so far.  I have had both amazing highs and devastating lows, shed tears of happiness and have wailed in despair but I know as surely as I type this, I would trade nothing in. One might wonder …. the failed marriage, the failed adoption, the cancer, the deaths of loved ones…. wouldn’t I trade them? No. I am the sum of my accumulated experiences. However….  Maybe this happens to everyone, maybe not.  Maybe it’s a midlife crisis, maybe I’m actually loosing my mind – I don’t know ‘why’ but suddenly my life path has been intercepted by a sense of something else. It’s like the movement you see out of the corner of your eye, something exists just on the edge of my peripheral vision – another version of my life and I just feel like if I step off the path I’ve been following my whole life, that maybe something spectacular would happen.  Spectacular is not a word I have ever used to describe my life and really, I think I would like to – if even for a little while. So I am here to chart a new course and I want to do it out loud – in public – because when you are doing something that takes strength and commitment, sometimes it helps to announce your intention.  My intention is to change, to chase down that unlived life and move in to it. This is going to be a process, not an over night thing but I’ve got a little time – if I use it wisely I think it will pay off.

Rearranging Chairs

Just like Tanya Tucker in “Down to my last tear drop” that’s what I’ve been doing…
“re-arranging chairs on a ship that’s going down”.  I sense a furniture theme happening here…

Regardless of furniture, that’s been on my mind today.  Ever since I started on this journey to change my life I’ve found one thing or another to do instead of making a change.

I’ve got a million (or maybe slightly less) podcasts from my favourite change and life coach guru’s and I listen to them for about 90 minutes a day while I’m driving.  I’ve built this website to its current state but aside from the few posts I’ve done, I’ve been mostly decorating the place and getting it ready for company – which I have none of right now so why worry about polishing the sidebars? And I’ve pretty much used every other spare minute to find something else to occupy my time rather than truly forging ahead and making a plan and getting on with it already.

Hell, I’ll be 90 before I take the first step!

The first step does not have to be giant.

Ok, honestly I have made a few steps… baby steps.

  • I have been working really hard at improving my diet.
  • I am trying with some success, to limit my coffee intake to 1 cup a day and other than last night, I’ve done that.
  • I have been eating a healthy morning meal and been pretty good at the others as well
  • And today I went for a walk on the beach – it wasn’t much, or long, but it was more and longer than any of the other walks I’ve taken this week (none)
  • I looked at taking a writing course but got frustrated trying to find one and gave up on that for now.

I’ve really been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to be when I grow up.  Yes, I did mention before that I was born in 1960 but…  I’m really not loving my job right now.

I was thinking that perhaps I’m not loving my job because I’m not throwing myself at it, I have a couple of challenging projects coming up that just are kind of freaking me out and I’ve procrastinated them forever – today I did make an effort to be present for my job and not get distracted into doing nothing work related all day.

So I think it’s time to go back to the To Do List and firm up a couple of things – instead of just thinking about them, actually make a concrete plan to change something.  One foot in front of the other.

I’m going there now.

Big Comfy Couch

Ok, let’s get a little more into the meat of the matter here.

I’ve been procrastinating doing this all week, avoiding this work that needs to be done because, less face it, I’m lying on a big comfy life sofa right now. There are a few lumpy springs… okay, maybe more than a few… and, well, the fabric doesn’t smell very pleasant and, there are some stains and the colour is not what it used to be and there are some worn patches and…   but still, it’s a comfortable spot if you sit just so….

I want a new sofa. I want it to be clean and white and beautiful to look at and beautiful to sit on only on this one, I’d like some bells and whistles, something that is fun and exciting and has some adventure to it.  Something that when sitting on it I’m not ever wondering if I’ll regret it, because I’m too busy enjoying it.  That’s the kind of life couch I want.

Still procrastinating, still avoiding saying it ‘out loud’. I want a new life, one in which my husband, the father of my children, the man I have been with for 25 years through thick and thin, sickness and health, rich and poor and I want to call it a day.

I really want for this to be a mutual decision. I want us to sit down together and realize that we have grown apart, that we don’t have things in common any more and that we are both, at least on some level, unhappy.

I want him to say “yeah, I know. I was just hoping things would go back to where they were” and then he would say that he knew it was coming, that he could see both of us were just co-existing and not happy and then we would sit down and work out the details. We’d stay close so the kids would have both parents equally accessible and all the other stuff would iron out.  That’s what I want.

The problem is that I’m not so sure that’s the response I would get – I’m not convinced that it wouldn’t get ugly, and messy and painful and I seem to be having an issue with that kind of activity lately.

And I can’t say as how I would blame him for potentially being in the ‘lets get ugly’ camp because we have been through a lot together.

  • Together we battled infertility – the emotional ups and downs of being unable to conceive, treatments, surgery, and failure and repeat.
  • Everything leading up to and including the adoption of our first son – as amazing today to me as he was 18 years ago.
  • The heartbreak of a failed adoption. We only had Adam for a few days but we poured our hearts into that tiny baby and he became ours because he needed parents and we wanted him. But it was not to be and the day the worker came to our home and took him back to his birth mother was devastating and we were devastated together.
  • There were the deaths of family members
  • The Adoption of our Second (that we got to keep) son that for it’s own reasons was an emotional roller coaster and then three years later, his sister, after we thought we were done.
  • Then there was the debilitating car accident he was in shortly after we brought home our daughter. That was a long road to recovery that ended, with no warning, just short of actual recovery. (he is still disabled and suffers pain from his injuries)
  • Finally the breast cancer – the last 3 years of my life have been about breasts, surgery, chemo, radiation, removing the killer creatures, rebuilding substitutions in their place and trying to feel normal again. I lost my hair, my breasts, a lot of skin, a lot of time, parts of my mind (chemo brain) and he was there with me through it all.
  • Within weeks of my treatments being finished – my mother passed away due to an undiagnosed cancer.
  • He has stuck with me through all these journeys, we travelled together and always have been able to play off each other – strength from the other for the other.

But now it’s just not there for me. In The life I see when I squint – I am on my own.

I don’t have it yet – the determination to make that change. I’m still waffling. It’s been 25 years together and if you’re going to make a decision that big, it had better be exactly the right choice and you’d better be exactly sure.

In the mean time, I’ll throw a few new cushions on the couch.