I am going to hell. If there is a hell, and I’m not already in it – I am going there. There is no doubt. I am an awful human being.
I came to the sad but true realization today that there is nothing left in my marriage for me. It is over and I have to make it over. Hanging in there, even for the most honorable of reasons is not an option – it’s not an option that makes any sense nor is it kind or ‘doing the right thing’ or any of those things a person in the wrong relationship might convince themselves of.
I am not happy and I’m not making anyone else happy. Pretending and going through the motions seemed like a reasonable idea at the time. After all, I don’t really dislike him. I certainly don’t hate him and I talked myself into believing that I could just go on like I’ve always gone on and that it would be “okay”. It’s not even that good.
I can’t think of an appropriate metaphor to describe this but it’s like trying to un-know something… putting the information back into the universe and pretending that you never learned it or heard of it – you may wish you’d never known something but it can never happen. I know now that I have to end my marriage and now I can’t pretend anymore and that… That piece is the thing that is doing me in.
Before, when it wasn’t clear, when there was still an if, there was still doubt, I could pretend. And now I can’t so I am trying to make a plan – and that’s what I’m going to hell for.
I don’t think a person goes to hell for falling out of love with someone or more accurately, no longer being ‘in love’ but I do think it’s wrong to make a plan, to continue the charade of “everything is ok” while you work on the plan but the alternative is even more distasteful to me.
The alternative is blindsiding him because right now he thinks everything is “okay”., 6 weeks before Christmas ripping the kid’s world apart so they can associate Christmas with the time the family broke up… and then there’s the really selfish crap that will earn me some extra billows in the hot place to make sure it’s extra hot – this is the stuff like I’m not prepared yet, I have to get my ducks in a row and make sure that I’m going to be able to survive… In all fairness, when going over this in my head, I am also trying to make sure he is going to be fine too. I know how much money we have and I know how much we earn and I want to ensure that we are both going to be able to “make it” so I’m rehearsing different scenarios to see how they work out in that regard.
So.. while I try to get my head wrapped around this, I’ve decided the fairest thing to do is to start letting bits of my thoughts seep out.
I did that tonight, just a little while ago. He knew about my mood today but didn’t know what was causing it. Only that I was not feeling happy. A while ago he found out that I have been looking out at what the future looks like and it’s feeling pretty grey – like vultures circling a carcass and that I really can’t face the next 10 – 15 – 20 years of not feeling like there is going to be any big joy.
What it really came down to is that for our whole relationship there has been one hurdle after another – there really has. We went straight into our relationship trying to make a family, we fought to adopt, then we fought to adopt again and again, then it was raising the children, then a life altering car accident, a life threatening illness bringing us to the here and now. (I skipped a few minor hurdles in there but that’s the main stuff) so I flat out told him… asked him… what exactly are we going to be doing when the last kid leaves? There is NOTHING THAT WE LIKE TO DO TOGETHER!
I think that was a pretty good indication that there is a problem.
I’m sure we will be talking until I turn blue over the next weeks but ideally, what I would love to end up with is an agreement. An agreement that yes, we’ve grown in different directions and it’s time to call it a day. There is no need for things to get messy. We are both adults – we should be able to work something out that will make this an ‘elegant separation’ for everyone’s benefit.
Please… if there is a power out there – that is my wish. I don’t really want to go to hell.