Bliss

A couple of months ago I was doing one of those self improvement workbook things and I was asked to consider my experiences with ‘bliss’.

“Bliss”

Right.

I wasn’t actually sure that I had ever experienced bliss.  I considered that potentially, the moment of and directly after orgasm might be ‘bliss’ but somehow that didn’t seem to be quite it.

I asked a couple of friends if they had ever experienced bliss.  Neither answer brought me closer to identifying any ‘bliss’ in my experience.

Hmmm.

Well, I’m here to say that I think I have now experienced bliss…. and happiness and profound sadness and grief and hurt and heartache and excitement and gratitude and anger and … and … and …

Over the past couple of months and, most especially the past few weeks all of my long lost feelings have made their way to my consciousness… bursting in, knocking me around, kicking me when I was down and then lifting me up to the sky again, sun shining on my face, brilliant shining stars on a black sky, indescribable sunsets of emotions.

I thought they were gone.

I really truly thought that I had washed them away with some long ago shed tears and that I would never feel them again …but I was wrong.

Some gracious spirit saw fit to bring them back – and the rush was .. well.. a rush.

In countable hours I had moments of feeling everything… in relatively small doses I admit… but the best part, the absolute AMAZING part was that I woke today, the sun was shining and although I had been worried that experiencing the more unpleasant of them would bring my little wall builders scurrying … it seems clear that they have vacated the premises.  Hopefully permanently.

I missed “feeling”.  Even the bad stuff.

I hadn’t even considered that I was missing the good stuff too!  I was “happy enough” but I had a few moments of real bliss in the past couple of weeks… I know I did.. I recognized it… and it was… well… blissful.

I’m happier today than I have been in ever, it’s not bliss today, it’s just happy… I have found myself again and maybe I’m even better than the old version… and I think maybe a little bit different … and that’s okay.

I wonder if my friends will recognize me with my happy on.

 

Wooden Match

It’s like those wooden matches.

They are awesome and scary all in the same brain space.

On one hand they are strong and sturdy, when you strike one, there is a bright light with sparks and and it fills all your senses at once, there are the sounds of the wood hitting against the igniting material, and that sizzle and whoosh as the sulphur lights into a magnificent ball of flame and spark… delicious.  You wait until it settles in to a flame.  It’s an experience in itself

Then it begins to consume the splinter of wood that made it possible.

Sometimes, if you aren’t careful, the sulphur can fly off and you are just left with a piece of wood and sometimes, the sulphur will find it’s way on to your skin.  It’s not like any other burn you’ve had because it continues to burn until it has consumed all the chemicals with a searing pain… very small… almost invisible but searing… and intense.

Shit.  That hurt.  Not a wounding for life kind of hurt.  but hurt is hurt.

Those paper matches sometimes don’t light, if there is a bit of damp or oldness to them, nothing you can do will conjure a flame… you can go through a lot of paper matches just trying to feel a little warmth.

Perhaps that little chip of sulphur on my skin was meant to remind me … if I just want to play with fire a little bit, stick with the paper matches….  paper matches are never delicious … that distinct scent is not as powerful and the flame is not as bright and damn, you don’t get a light every time but they are so much less intense.

I’m going wait and get some wooden matches when the intensity matches the intent.

Message For The Hardened

The hardness…. I don’t think it’s permanent.  At least not permanent that you can count on.  The walls can crumble at any point, without warning. poof.  dust.

And then you are there naked.  All those dormant feelings …. a mass of raw nerve endings cringing against a soft breeze because… after being protected so long… everything feels.

And it’s unfamiliar.

Is it pain?

Is it joy?

hard to tell…

it is relentless…. there is no break … there is no off switch… and definitely – no pause

I find myself playing with the piles of dust… shaping it into a blanket to pull up to my chin, and maybe … over my head.   but it just rains down around me.. covering but not sheltering, not hiding me – just making me want to wash it off.

I’m straddling the line… in the distance I can see the materials for a new wall.  To the other side… is it the sun shining?  a mirage perhaps… I hear the storm as well…

To be continued….

Pain – How I’ve Missed You

I’ve known my feelings were broken… nerve damage maybe…. damaged.

I hadn’t truly felt in so long…. it’s been so empty.

Last month I was given the experience of love, deep rooted mother child love, I got sobbing tears and fear and panic … the fear of loss.

Feeling the hot sting of tears alarmed me, then a part of me watched on while I experienced those feelings for the first time in forever – wrapping myself in them, simultaneously feeling excitement that they were there… my self… stood back so as to not overlap the pure love and loss feelings.

I have gone back and replayed those moments in my heart again and again… getting reacquainted with that flavor of heart pain and wondering if it was all going to come back to me… in a flood… or a series of drips… or.. no.

Today, rejection, dejection, ….  all those feelings that make you be harsh with your self … and then…
there….
that feeling that is left over when whatever you were feeling such immense joy was ripped from your soul –
-that emptiness that is left behind – grey and cold and damp.

I feel driven to write it as it is happening to me….  perhaps to prevent the possibility that I could forget .. again… the thoughts that have gone through my head… why?  why now?  why this way?  why the pain first?  why is there no real relief from this feeling… the quality of the pain is measured by the length and intensity…

…. but on the other hand – yeah…. on the other hand…..  it brings me hope that all of the feelings that have been gone will be reborn into me and that maybe I wont have to walk through fires to feel a small sensation of them.

Thank you S for being true to yourself – for taking care of yourself when that is what you needed –  not allowing bad feelings to water it down.

This was obviously orchestrated by a very talented entity – that you were unable to read my mind at that particular moment,  was most certainly crucial to maintain the joy – the joy wasn’t meant to be today.  But I don’t like what it has left behind.

Looking for hope.  It’s time for you to come back.  The callous’ are gone,  this seems too intense for a sunny day.

 

Breathe

Breathe… it will get better.  I am telling myself this.

I feel like the Arch Angel that was brought hurling to the earth as a human.. a feeling being .. it was in a movie … I remember it.. Gabriel was able to feel pain, physical and emotional for the first time… things we have all learned to cope with, to move on from as easily as we roll over in our sleep .

I have experienced this sensation.  I did say ouch.  while my brain chided me … get over it.

But how?  Surely it was denying the pain in the past that turned me into the person who left me here a few weeks ago.

It’s exhausting.

It is easier not to feel it at all.