Wishy Washy

I’m very tired today and not feeling at all motivated to do anything let alone CHANGE MY LIFE.  sigh.

That happens to me.  I am struck by something, go at it full boar, and then it’s almost like I wear myself out.  I also think, in this particular case, I might just be a little scared.

I just had a pretty nice weekend with the husband and kids and some family and friends and I’m a little worn out after an active weekend and my ambition level is WAY DOWN and that seems to coincide with the motivation and I think… well, you know, that wasn’t so bad and the next thing I know I’m wondering why I was so hell bent on trying to change everything, turn my life upside-down for what?  For some fantasy of some life that I don’t even know if I can get to or not?  So I can make a whole bunch of other people feel miserable and betrayed?

Is that my inner gremlin talking to me now or common sense?

The problem is that I know – I know as sure as I sit here typing and thinking and giving myself a monumental migraine fretting over all of this that if I were to say forget it – there is nothing about this life that is so bad…. in a matter of days something would happen to make me remember in full techno colour what I was so worked up about a couple of days ago.

Sheesh.

I’m not even making any sense.

I believe that part of this wishy-washy-ness is in large part due to the fact that I really don’t have a plan and I really don’t know where I’m going.  Does one actually need to know where one is going in order to start heading in the direction?

The only thing that is really on my to-do list that is tangible is getting healthier.  It’s not like I’m obsessed with that but it does seem to be a good place to start anything.  Make sure you are in good enough health, and fit enough, to be able to make the journey you are planning on going on.  Sounds like good advice right?  I thought so.

I’m stalling.  And I’m scattered.  I need focus.  What a disaster.

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