I’ve known my feelings were broken… nerve damage maybe…. damaged.
I hadn’t truly felt in so long…. it’s been so empty.
Last month I was given the experience of love, deep rooted mother child love, I got sobbing tears and fear and panic … the fear of loss.
Feeling the hot sting of tears alarmed me, then a part of me watched on while I experienced those feelings for the first time in forever – wrapping myself in them, simultaneously feeling excitement that they were there… my self… stood back so as to not overlap the pure love and loss feelings.
I have gone back and replayed those moments in my heart again and again… getting reacquainted with that flavor of heart pain and wondering if it was all going to come back to me… in a flood… or a series of drips… or.. no.
Today, rejection, dejection, …. all those feelings that make you be harsh with your self … and then…
that feeling that is left over when whatever you were feeling such immense joy was ripped from your soul –
-that emptiness that is left behind – grey and cold and damp.
I feel driven to write it as it is happening to me…. perhaps to prevent the possibility that I could forget .. again… the thoughts that have gone through my head… why? why now? why this way? why the pain first? why is there no real relief from this feeling… the quality of the pain is measured by the length and intensity…
…. but on the other hand – yeah…. on the other hand….. it brings me hope that all of the feelings that have been gone will be reborn into me and that maybe I wont have to walk through fires to feel a small sensation of them.
Thank you S for being true to yourself – for taking care of yourself when that is what you needed – not allowing bad feelings to water it down.
This was obviously orchestrated by a very talented entity – that you were unable to read my mind at that particular moment, was most certainly crucial to maintain the joy – the joy wasn’t meant to be today. But I don’t like what it has left behind.
Looking for hope. It’s time for you to come back. The callous’ are gone, this seems too intense for a sunny day.