I have waffled back and forth about my marriage so many times I’m not even sure which direction I’m moving in at any given time.
For snapshot in time sake, my marriage is not a disaster. We have been married over 25 years but for whatever reasons, and the reasons are potentially many and varied, I am just not feeling ‘in love’ any more and while I am not exactly “unhappy”, I am not happy either.
I find myself daydreaming about being single. Often.
On the other hand, (this is where the waffling comes in), I am not sure that leaving for ‘me’ to be happy is very fair. I wonder if I could bring myself back to interested, or better yet, back to ‘in love’ – for the sake of the children…
I think sometimes that as long as I do all the other things – make all the other changes – follow my passion, encourage happiness within myself (without concern for external conditions), be healthy, encourage my spirituality out into the world, that this one area of my life might be ok to stay not quite so happy. Or perhaps that being a better person in all the other aspects of my life would improve the way I interact with my husband. But I sure would have to get better at this being “okay” because right now it’s not. No. It’s definitely not.
I no longer have tolerance for the faults my husband possesses. Nothing has changed – he is the same man as he was when I married him but now I don’t like him so much – and when I don’t like him, I am not nice and that is not good.
I saw myself yesterday as a miserable witch. Or even more accurately – Bitch.
I almost always believe I’m right – and I probably am, almost always and I do think that I at least try to choose my battles but I don`t always choose the best ones. I think the Bitch only comes out when I think it’s important to be right. It’s not that I thinknow that I am more often right than I was 10 years ago, it’s that I no longer have the patience and tolerance to ‘sway’ the argument or ‘encourage’ my husband on to my train of thought. I just figuratively (of course) hit him over the head with it.
That isn’t right.
So yesterday after one such battle, I agreed to go to therapy.
A little dishonest about the purpose of therapy.
He asked me to go a few months ago. He feels that I did not adequately deal with the breast cancer I was diagnosed with 3 years ago, or the death of my mother 2 years ago. That’s possible… and maybe looking at those things will help me as well. What I want out of therapy is for me to come to a solid answer to the question – “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”