Dear Self – We Aren’t Doing So Good (was private)

Dear Self, Life is not feeling so very good right now.  In fact, it’s down right shitty. I suspect that I’m in the midst of a pretty hefty bout of depression, nothing like I’ve really had before.. the sadness is kind of overtaking me. It’s times like these, although they are rare, that I notice that while I have very good friends, some of whom I can confide some things to, there really is no one that knows everything…. and probably no one that has the full impact of any one thing.. I hold back. Yep.  That’s what I do – “why” is a question for another day because today I don’t have it in me to try to examine what exactly that is but it’s what brings me to this new category on my blog… maybe I need a shrink.  Maybe I need to take the medication.  Maybe I need to just keep moving. I don’t know. I don’t want to take the medication because I just started feeling stuff again.  Well, not today, but a few months ago.. the feelings came back and I don’t want them to go away again.  The doc says the medication wont do that but I’m not convinced. Happy isn’t a destination – it’s the journey.  So where the hell is it? I can’t even come up with anything coherent to write here.  I had imagined that I would open this up.. start to type and all the stuff that I can’t .. don’t… won’t share with anyone would pour out on to the page and I would feel better.  Or at least I would see a light… that the act of writing it down would push the deadening sorrow out of me and make room for something brighter. Seriously.  My space is not all that dark.  I still have moments of light.  Laughter, even still singing to some of my best music.. no, it’s not that dark but has it stopped?  Have I plateaued in this horrid place or could it get worse. I don’t think I can take worse.  I think this is as bad as it can be and still function.  I think that if I got sadder, that I would lose the laughter and the song. So.. what are the things that are sinking me? in no particular order… hair, weight, energy, money, ex husband, too many decisions, conflicts…. the feeling of being in limbo. I think I could possibly really need a shrink right now.  What would I say?  Ok… enough of that… there has been too much of me thinking about what someone would think if they read this… I have given out this website to a few people so of course, as I’m writing I’m thinking oh… don’t say that, M…  will not like that or D…  will want to call me or or or… so I’ve made this private.  No one is going to see this post so no one cares about the writing or the wording or the vanity or any of the other stuff… That’s why I don’t tell people stuff? I’m worried about what they will think.. .and there is nothing that anyone can do to solve the problem anyway! I am broker than I’ve been in years.. actually had to consider getting to work and borrowing money when I got there to enable me to put gas in the car to get home.  The only thing that saved me from that was that I found $150 available in the line of credit and took $80 of it. Scott is driving me to distraction.  He is such a fucking idiot.  Really… oh that does feel good to say ‘out loud’ … no one to quote me, disapprove of me, argue with me or even agree with me. It’s one of those sad situations that I can only take so much of people putting him down but I also want to rant now and again.. but I don’t want to be ‘that’ person but really… he is so freaking dense some times.. ok, this isn’t really making me feel better either. I really would always rather be in bed.  Alone, sleeping.  I just want to wake up and there is nothing hard. Omg… again with the hard!  I think that’s exactly what it is.  I have been feeling that resentment for a while.. the so tired of everything being hard… and I think for a while I coasted.  I ignored the things that were ‘hard’ like money and ending this marriage – he left and I just went on and didn’t think about the stuff that had to be taken care of .. I just pretended it didn’t exist and now everything has caught up with me and ‘hard’ came back with a vengeance and clobbered me! yep. I figured it out I think. Enough for now… a little blog post (public) and a good nights’ sleep and maybe.. just maybe… i’ll come up with a plan of attack that will be a rung on the ladder.. to climb up on!

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