Rearranging Chairs

Just like Tanya Tucker in “Down to my last tear drop” that’s what I’ve been doing…
“re-arranging chairs on a ship that’s going down”.  I sense a furniture theme happening here…

Regardless of furniture, that’s been on my mind today.  Ever since I started on this journey to change my life I’ve found one thing or another to do instead of making a change.

I’ve got a million (or maybe slightly less) podcasts from my favourite change and life coach guru’s and I listen to them for about 90 minutes a day while I’m driving.  I’ve built this website to its current state but aside from the few posts I’ve done, I’ve been mostly decorating the place and getting it ready for company – which I have none of right now so why worry about polishing the sidebars? And I’ve pretty much used every other spare minute to find something else to occupy my time rather than truly forging ahead and making a plan and getting on with it already.

Hell, I’ll be 90 before I take the first step!

The first step does not have to be giant.

Ok, honestly I have made a few steps… baby steps.

  • I have been working really hard at improving my diet.
  • I am trying with some success, to limit my coffee intake to 1 cup a day and other than last night, I’ve done that.
  • I have been eating a healthy morning meal and been pretty good at the others as well
  • And today I went for a walk on the beach – it wasn’t much, or long, but it was more and longer than any of the other walks I’ve taken this week (none)
  • I looked at taking a writing course but got frustrated trying to find one and gave up on that for now.

I’ve really been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to be when I grow up.  Yes, I did mention before that I was born in 1960 but…  I’m really not loving my job right now.

I was thinking that perhaps I’m not loving my job because I’m not throwing myself at it, I have a couple of challenging projects coming up that just are kind of freaking me out and I’ve procrastinated them forever – today I did make an effort to be present for my job and not get distracted into doing nothing work related all day.

So I think it’s time to go back to the To Do List and firm up a couple of things – instead of just thinking about them, actually make a concrete plan to change something.  One foot in front of the other.

I’m going there now.

Big Comfy Couch

Ok, let’s get a little more into the meat of the matter here.

I’ve been procrastinating doing this all week, avoiding this work that needs to be done because, less face it, I’m lying on a big comfy life sofa right now. There are a few lumpy springs… okay, maybe more than a few… and, well, the fabric doesn’t smell very pleasant and, there are some stains and the colour is not what it used to be and there are some worn patches and…   but still, it’s a comfortable spot if you sit just so….

I want a new sofa. I want it to be clean and white and beautiful to look at and beautiful to sit on only on this one, I’d like some bells and whistles, something that is fun and exciting and has some adventure to it.  Something that when sitting on it I’m not ever wondering if I’ll regret it, because I’m too busy enjoying it.  That’s the kind of life couch I want.

Still procrastinating, still avoiding saying it ‘out loud’. I want a new life, one in which my husband, the father of my children, the man I have been with for 25 years through thick and thin, sickness and health, rich and poor and I want to call it a day.

I really want for this to be a mutual decision. I want us to sit down together and realize that we have grown apart, that we don’t have things in common any more and that we are both, at least on some level, unhappy.

I want him to say “yeah, I know. I was just hoping things would go back to where they were” and then he would say that he knew it was coming, that he could see both of us were just co-existing and not happy and then we would sit down and work out the details. We’d stay close so the kids would have both parents equally accessible and all the other stuff would iron out.  That’s what I want.

The problem is that I’m not so sure that’s the response I would get – I’m not convinced that it wouldn’t get ugly, and messy and painful and I seem to be having an issue with that kind of activity lately.

And I can’t say as how I would blame him for potentially being in the ‘lets get ugly’ camp because we have been through a lot together.

  • Together we battled infertility – the emotional ups and downs of being unable to conceive, treatments, surgery, and failure and repeat.
  • Everything leading up to and including the adoption of our first son – as amazing today to me as he was 18 years ago.
  • The heartbreak of a failed adoption. We only had Adam for a few days but we poured our hearts into that tiny baby and he became ours because he needed parents and we wanted him. But it was not to be and the day the worker came to our home and took him back to his birth mother was devastating and we were devastated together.
  • There were the deaths of family members
  • The Adoption of our Second (that we got to keep) son that for it’s own reasons was an emotional roller coaster and then three years later, his sister, after we thought we were done.
  • Then there was the debilitating car accident he was in shortly after we brought home our daughter. That was a long road to recovery that ended, with no warning, just short of actual recovery. (he is still disabled and suffers pain from his injuries)
  • Finally the breast cancer – the last 3 years of my life have been about breasts, surgery, chemo, radiation, removing the killer creatures, rebuilding substitutions in their place and trying to feel normal again. I lost my hair, my breasts, a lot of skin, a lot of time, parts of my mind (chemo brain) and he was there with me through it all.
  • Within weeks of my treatments being finished – my mother passed away due to an undiagnosed cancer.
  • He has stuck with me through all these journeys, we travelled together and always have been able to play off each other – strength from the other for the other.

But now it’s just not there for me. In The life I see when I squint – I am on my own.

I don’t have it yet – the determination to make that change. I’m still waffling. It’s been 25 years together and if you’re going to make a decision that big, it had better be exactly the right choice and you’d better be exactly sure.

In the mean time, I’ll throw a few new cushions on the couch.

Blog Posting

I’m really not ready to start this yet.  I mean I’m READY to start changing, start shifting in the direction of the life I believe I’m meant to be living but there is just SO much rolling around in my head – and I just keep adding to all those things by reading things and listening to pod casts and the ideas are coming at me a mile a minute and I really need to take some time and get organised!!!

But, while I try to get organised I’m not really shifting anything so I have to attempt to do the basics, even if I feel and sound frazzled doing them.  One of the basics is doing a blog entry every day.

Now I have tried that before.  I have another blog that I started writing when I got breast cancer a couple of years ago and I vowed to write in it every day when I was feeling well enough to do that and of course, I started off well but eventually I ran out of things to add, energy to come up with it and it just died off (unlike the author thankyouverymuch).

I’ve given that blog (bloggledmind.com) a couple of attempts at cpr and it hobbles along but I didn’t want to start from there – this is about ‘new’ and ‘change’ and so I’m starting here.

I’m going to give some credit to a few things that have been inspiring me;

Dean Dwyer does a blog and podcast called “Make Shift Happen” which is, as he says is about “change how you look work and live by changing how you think”.  I believe he started this with a focus on weight loss and fitness but while that is a part of my ‘vision’, it is not nearly more than only a little bit of what I take away from his podcasts!  The problem right now is, he hasn’t done a new one lately an I even went to the trouble to email him because really, making shift happen is a large part of the basis of all of this.  You can find more information at makeshifthappen.org

Ok, new idea – a resources and inspiration page – I’ll do that rather than take a whole post which will eventually get lost in the blog and be hard to find.  I’ll do that right after I construct a to do list.

 

The Interception

Welcome to My Boggled Mind (previously Life Intercepted.)

This post is just here to tell you what this site will be about when I’m finished setting it up.

I find myself at a place in my life that feels like change.  I was dawdling along in the direction that I set out at years ago going to the place that I expected to go when suddenly I find myself face to face with another version of my life – or at least that’s what it looks like.

After a great deal of thought I’ve decided that I should go there and be that person.  My life was intercepted by a view of a life I haven’t lived, but could live.

I’ll be 52 in a few short weeks – this is no small endeavour, will probably be a bit of an adventure and there are tons of obstacles jumping in front of me… not the least of which is, I don’t know how to get there from here.

I’ve started this blog so that I can fall down in public.  Why do I want to do that?  Well, part of me thinks that in my unlived life, I might be a writer.  Why not?